A bunch of fucking horses are gonna race around a track tomorrow so people with disposable income can dispose of it in ways that directly prop up an industry that runs on animal cruelty. Here are some tips to aid you in your betting:
A BUNCH OF OFFICE JERKS WILL SUDDENLY ACT LIKE THEY’RE…
“Musicians Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, married in 1984, are announcing they have separated. Sonic Youth, with both Kim and Thurston involved, will proceed with its South American tour dates in November. Plans beyond that tour are uncertain. The couple has requested respect for their personal privacy and does not wish to issue further comment.”—
SELECT PRODUCTS CAREFULLY: stand on tiptoes. Hold your breath if you have to. Use tweezers to pick up the products. Place products on racks and form a cordon around the products.
DO THE PRODUCTS APPEAL TO A BROAD CUSTOMER BASE? If the answer is yes, place them in a special room with a very narrow doorway that broad customers will not be able to squeeze through, no matter how hard they try! “Nnnnng,” they’ll say!
GASP CLOTHING SHOULD FRIGHTEN SHOPPERS ACCLIMATISED TO BUYING FROM “CLOTHING FOR THE MASSES” TYPE RETAILERS: are the products frightening enough? Are you afraid? Be creative! Use Photoshop to create a picture of the CEO of Sportsgirl being eaten by a bear. That’s just one example.
DOES THE PRODUCT LOOK LIKE A DEAD FLAMINGO? Please give yourself a pat on the back if it does. You’re very good at your job! Almost too good at your job. Ha ha! Not really, though!
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PRODUCT BEING WORN BY KIM KARDASHIAN, SELENA GOMEZ AND/OR KATY PERRY? If your imagination is tired from working too hard, just try to imagine any ethnic brunette wearing the product. What about that woman you bought a kebab from the other night? No? Alright, what about the cleaning lady? Just imagine anyone. It doesn’t matter.
IS THE PRODUCT PRICED TO BE INACCESSIBLE TO UNDESIRABLES? Think on your feet! If the customer is a wealthy size 12, say the product costs one million billion trillion dollars. She probably won’t have that much money. If she does, say the EFTPOS machine is broken because of her GREASY FAT FINGERS.